2013 Year in Review

As the end of each year encroaches, I often get the feeling that time flew and not much has happened (life and outfits-wise). When thinking about writing this reflection post, I remembered all the exciting moments and adventures!

Heart & soul:

Reached out for support from my classmates, shared my Mom's story

Felt truly happy about my life and escaped the cycle of self-deprecation
Found my niche with my swole ladies - wine-ing, dining, cooking, squatting

Norcal trip with my family

The best way to learn is to be curious:
Research/internship with Pediatric Plastic Surgery
Taught anatomy to art students, learned to sketch the human body from them
Read 14 books
40% on the way to MD

Experience allllll the things:
New York Fashion Week
Skydiving with JJ
Ran my first 5k and started lifting weights and rock climbing
A cappella performance of Disney medley
Lollapalooza, Dayglow, first real concert (Bruno Mars x Ellie Goulding), countless adventures in Pittsburgh

The Great Outdoors:

Class V white water rafting and camping x 2
Ski trip (where I learned how to ski)
Hikes: Hocking Hills x 2, Potato Chip Rock in San Diego

Between all the snow and early nightfall, scrubs/white coat/workout days, and general laziness, the actual outfit compilation would look a lot like my knee-length parka, jeans, and snow boots on repeat. In fact, it might be a fun project to take a picture every single day of what I'm really wearing in 2014 for a little shocker :)

This picture sums up one of my main focuses of 2014: do it now, because later turns into never. I hope tonight as you're reflecting on 2013 and celebrating NYE with friends or family, you take a moment to be proud of how much you have grown in 365 days. We don't need a new year to reset our motivation to chase after our dreams and desires - adventure is out there, put on a good pair of shoes and run after it!

P.S. Did I make my 2013 Resolutions happen? Revisit them with me for a fun comparison.

A New Chapter

A much-belated and mini rite of passage for me is updating my About Me page to describe my current life as a medical student. Below is the retired one for 2011-2012, describing my personal mission as a science major with born-with-it artistic inclinations.

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pan·da·phil·ia     noun     \ˈpan-də-ˈfi-lē-ə\
1 : friendly feeling toward pandas
2 : fashion philosophy that is never black and white
3 : St. Louis-based style blog of a Neuroscience student who likes to "lab in style" and experiment in the wardrobe

I am a 22-year-old Neuroscience student at a predominantly pre-med Midwest university. When not racking my brain for names of sulci and neurotransmitters, I delve deep into the world of aesthetics. I refuse to wear the collegiate uniform of sweatpants and hoodies every day, so I throw open the doors of my growing closet and pick out something fashionable to wear. People will stare as I take pictures of myself, wondering, "Who's that crazy girl always macro'ing her eye?" or "What is she all dressed up for?" I've got someplace to be, and that's far, far away from the reality of the mundane.

I am a firm believer in huge, macro photographs and picture spam. Pandaphilia's all about the obsessions of a panda fanatic who sees the world beyond the black and white. I grew up playing with robots and helicopters, shunning those ridiculous Barbie dolls and their unrealistic proportions. I grew up doing math problems, reading the entire library's section on animals, and with a serious attitude. Now, I kick back and try to enjoy the dying days of the childhood that passed me by -  while reconciling a new, materialistic girly side with my lifetime pragmatism and nerdiness.

You can't slap a label on me. I am a girly tomboy, a daydreaming realist, a writer, a musician. I blog about anything and everything that sneaks into my mind, spilling it out in 010011's for the world wide web to remember forever. My very existence depends on unraveling what's stirring in my brain and making something beautiful out of the chaos.

Camera: Canon Rebel T2i
(photos prior to 6/22/11 taken with Canon Powershot SX120 IS)
Lens: Canon 50mm f/1.8 USM lens
Photos of me are usually by my boyfriend (JJ); other pictures are usually by me.
Photo editing by me: Lightroom 3 and Photoshop CS5

Height: 5'3" (160 cm)
Weight: 110 lbs (50 kg)
Size: XS-S
Shoe size: US 4-5 (foot length 215 mm)

List of blog awards

Contact me at angie [at] pandaphilia [dot] com

The Year Without Mom

This is the story of how studying neurology in med school ate my blog/life for a month. Sounds like an ironic continuation of the past four years, right? Post-midterm and weeks of subzero temps, I am back and ready to toss my daily uniform of puffy coat and shapeless clothing (I'm looking at you, scrubs jumpsuit). With the absence of wanting to dress up and take photos or having anywhere to go but the library, my blogger-induced self confidence has also shriveled quite a bit.

Catching you up to speed on what the heck happened in January:

[ 1 ] I went on a ski trip! It was my first time skiing ever and I even gave snowboarding a wobbly try. Needless to say my butt and knees have the bruises and bragging rights to tell the tale.
[ 2 ] Medschool: I shadowed in labor and deliver and saw a C-section surgery and natural birth. I appreciate mothers on a whole different level now. My brain feels meta about learning everything about all its own wrinkles, clusters, and highways.
[ 3 ] Food food food food food: how 'bout that Cinnamon Bun Cheesecake with a perfectly smooth caramel macchiato? Or tub-fuls of Columbus grown Jeni's gourmet ice cream? My favourite has to be sweet potato & toasted marshmallows, the epitome of holiday joy to taste buds. Featured above is a trio of riesling white pear sorbet, blackcurrant yogurt, and lavendar.

Finally, today is the anniversary of my Mom's passing. This year has stretched on for eons and a lot of it still feels like a distant nightmare, too far from reality to keep it from slipping like sand between my fingers. I have done a lot of crying, a lot of pitying, a lot of writing, but not a whole lot of sharing.

Things are not the same when I go home because there is a huge void where her joy and radiance filled our family. But her strength and spirit follow me everywhere, but it took me forever to realize it and believe it. After a year of feeling like I was leaving her behind - all of us going through a birthday without her, graduating, traveling around the world having new experiences, the day of her birthday, a painful holiday season, and now February 11th - after 365 long days I have started to let go of the heartache of her earthly memory and heal through feeling closer to her spirit. Most importantly, finally I stopped pitying myself.

It is ironic because the first couple of weeks after she passed, I felt the most strong and clear-minded, embodying my Mom's spirit and energy. I continued to study and move forward, helping others try to understand their struggles. Then the wave of other feelings inundated the brief optimism and I was sad, angry, apathetic, depressed, these words not even encapsulating what kinds of hurt spun around on a carousel and broke me down. I chose to barrel on forward and continue the daily grind - studying, working, blogging and running away from the ugly reality, only to crack when under inopportune stressful times. Med school started and it is not easy for anyone, and even more challenging with a heavy burden on my heart and not knowing how to broach the topic with the people around me. I was mad when friends didn't know how to react and help me grieve, my standards for my classmates' behavior skyrocketed, I was indignant at every person who ever joked about cancer or expressed indifference or hatred for their parents. Every word was a lance, each silent second was a stab.

In my letter to med schools across the country, I said my reasons for wanting to become a doctor stemmed from wanting to heal my mother. While everyone was in on the fact that I could not save her, I felt robbed of the chance to try. With her gone from this life, a lot of that motivation and meaning sapped away and it was easy to lose sight of why I am really here for the past five months. I know what my Mom wants out of her caretakers. I know that I did not need a didactic lecturing from the team who was trying to explain why it was time to let go. I needed someone in a white coat or scrubs to give me a deep, big hug and show some emotion. I needed them to stop talking about her death in front of her as if she could not hear them while lying comatose.

This is why I'm here. Because in every patient I see a hint of my Mom. Because I could not suppress the tears when Christmas caroling at the cancer outpatient center and saw her in each of their faces. Because I refuse to become jaded and give up my empathy to protect myself from feeling their pain. After a year of asking how God can let good people suffer, I turned around and faced Him. We are not given challenges in life that are too big to be overcome, and we are tested until we are strong and worthy. My Mom is smiling over all of us and we are given the challenge to be as amazing and kind as her.

It still sucks, and it still hurts and this pain doesn't simply evaporate with patience and sunshine. I miss her beyond what words and tears can express; there will be events in the future where I wish she could be there. I cry not because I want this to be undone, because asking her to live one more day in that broken cancer-ridden body would be cruel, the opposite of love.

A reader shared this with me a year ago, and it is a very telling piece by Mary Elizabeth Frye. She is in the sunset above the clouds at Haleakala, she is in the flowers that triumph over the ground. She is in the snow, the stars, and she has left but a white pearly shell by the salty waves that lap up to reclaim her.

This piece by Louise Gluck my poetry prof shared. It is beautiful and captures my idea of the transition into a different life. Thank you Sharon for helping me brave through these inexpressible moments. And I thank every one of you for offering me a hug, staying up late to cry with me, broaching the subject when I didn't know how to, listening even when you didn't know how to respond. Dad, Eric, and Lucky - you are strong men and even stronger family. In no way could I have gotten through this year alone, not without you, my family, and in a big way, not without Mom. 

At the end of my suffering

there was a door.

Hear me out: that which you call death

I remember.

Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.

Then nothing. The weak sun

flickered over the dry surface.

It is terrible to survive

as consciousness

buried in the dark earth.

Then it was over: that which you fear, being

a soul and unable

to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth

bending a little. And what I took to be

birds darting in low shrubs.

You who do not remember

passage from the other world

I tell you I could speak again: whatever

returns from oblivion returns

to find a voice:

from the center of my life came

a great fountain, deep blue

shadows on azure seawater. 

2012 in Review | 2013 Resolutions

Looking back on 2012, it is hard to ignore the rough and painful moments this year brought. My eyes still well up every time I think of my Mom, and like riding a bike, the only thing I can do to keep my balance is to keep moving forward. But there were a lot of wonderful moments too, like adventuring around the world and country (one word: Hawaii), meeting Bill Nye the Science Guy, picking up racquetball/kickboxing/zumba, graduating college and starting my journey to M.D., being featured in a magazine, scooping out free time to enjoy little things like macarons, living through Leap Day/London Olympics/Hurricane Sandy/Obama re-elected/Mayan anti-climatic apocalypse, finally opening up my blog shop, and making lots of statements while getting dressed.

There are a zillion vacation photos waiting to see the light of the interwebs, so my first blog resolution would be to have fun while revisiting those moments and sharing them with you!

I have high hopes for 2013. There are a lot of things out of our control in this universe, but how we react to each day is entirely up to our own volition. Remember to wear your rose-tinted glasses every once in a while and do stupid things that make you laugh until your sides hurt. Surround yourself with people whose company you enjoy unconditionally. Learn to say "whatever" to things - just because you do not worry does not mean you do not care. Each year gifts us a necklace of 365 pearls, and I plan on cherishing every single one. 

Resolution theme: Live in a foreign country called "Out-of-my-Comfort-Zone."

• Be inspired every single day.
• Lose the self-imposed "can't" mentality. Ball it up, toss it in a recycling bin. Let spontaneity take its place.
• Explore my city. Even if it's raining, snowing, Sunday, before a test. I will always be studying or working, so take the scenic route as much as possible!
• Meet new people and listen to their stories. Revisit old friends and build bridges.
• Work on becoming a better person than I was the day before. This involves self-discipline in many aspects and frequent introspection. When in doubt, share more and be kind.
• Remember to give my artistic side some proper lovin': pastel, read, blog, make music ... avidly. Create, create, create.

Did I carry through with last year's resolutions? For a fun comparison, see last year's review in pictures post. Thank you wonderful friends and readers for sharing your time and thoughts since the beginning. To many more adventures and stories!

Readers - what was your favourite moment of 2012 and did you make any New Years Resolutions?

Confession: I'm Jealous of {insert blog name here}

All right, fess up. We all get a little envious of our fellow bloggers and even IRL friends who blog. After reading this IFB article, I'm inspired to sit down and have a face-to-face interview with the ugly green monster.

What gets under my skin (even though it shouldn't) ... and how to fight that feeling:

→ It seems like they have an entire outfit of new pieces every single post.
Not sure if they have a lot of spare change lying around in their house-sized piggy bank, but it's all sparkly new. I almost feel weird wearing my own clothes from high school and incorporating it into outfits without everything being (c/o). It seems like I find every raved item on the blogosphere "meh" until I've seen it 70 times and then some switch in my brain turns on and suddenly I want it too. No matter how ugly or man-repelling.
← Now that I reflect on that, being sponsored up to your eyeballs is nice but at the same time it's easy to lose your sense of self. I'm glad that I still wear my old things and occasionally drop in a new piece.

→ You just started blogging 3 months ago. How do you have 1000 followers and 100k lookbook fans already!?
Ah, the annoying little Google Friend Connect widget. We all look to you for affirmation that we're doing the right thing, that people across the www are listening to us talking to ourselves, that we're likable and popular. So especially when a brand new blogger has a lot of personality and flare, we get pangs of hurt-pride pain and jealousy. Either that or they look like every other popular fashion blogger. Then comes the wave of thoughts of, "am I too short? not skinny enough? is there something weird about my face?" Look at what we're doing to ourselves, people. Some bloggers do have that signature spark - whether it's purple hair, perfectly curated blonde hair, or "that pose." That's what gives them success. That's what makes you pause as you're scrolling through your subscriptions. Most of all you can feel their passion oozing through your screen.
← Remember that feeling way back when you first started, of wanting to blog or comment every single second and put yourself out there because it's fun? When other bloggers who were more famous made you wide-eyed with wonder and inspiration instead of boiling with jealousy? The minute blogging becomes work instead of play (which is the way it feels for many of us, I'm sure) it no longer becomes fun and it becomes another task and we procrastinate and enter this spirally self-inflicted downfall. Pick yourself back up, and chug out a new outfit post, something you would actually wear!

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Mint & Polka Dots | Heart to Heart

Arden B mint knit long open cardigan // H&M polka dot blouse // H&M black shorts (old) // 

Black sweater tights (old) // Mossimo suede black ankle boots //

Forever 21 gold and silver spike bracelets // Michael Todd vampy wine red lipstain in Disco //

Photography: self, tripod and remote

MOONCAKE AND SUNBEAMS. Heyyyy dudettes and dudes! Long time no see, so let me catch you up to speed. First a few words about today's outfit: wanted to streamline from the waist down so I layered on the black pieces to maintain fall weather and class appropriate (biggest pet peeve: seeing your leggings butt uncovered and hanging out). Threw on a lightweight cardigan sweater in the fresh minty green favourite to add colour (on sale for $7 during Fashion Night Out, and polka dot blouse was free from H&M during the grand opening spree). Thanks goodness because it was hardly fall today and back to  sizzling summer temps - the whole black bottoms deal attracted heat like a magnifying glass laser beam to ants. The leaves are changing! My favourite, favourite time of year especially in the Great Lakes Region. Bit the bullet and reordered these favourite spike bracelets from F21 because I have been missing them ever since I lost them with my purse in May. So many faves - they all get a gold star.

These past 2 weeks have been intro immunology block, and long time readers will recall a familiar shiftshow I suffered through last fall, except ironically that prepares me big time for the real deal in med school. Instead of 3 months to learn everything about everything, we now do it 6x faster. From how I describe my day-to-day in blog posts and schedule my social events, it seems that med school is easy - well, that couldn't be further from the truth. Most days I am pulling my hair and itching to break the monotony, but no one wants to read about my stress when y'all have enough of your own! That's why I try not to complain too much here. On the upside, I am beginning to learn how to focus on chewable chunks, group review, and making sure I go to bed every night inspired by something that happened during the day. Last weekend I was up in Ann Arbor at a conference discussing multidisciplinary issues in Asian American healthcare. Simultaneously, it was a good chance to catch up with some old friends from WashU and it warmed my heart to throw down to Gangnam style and 90s R&B while networking and workshopping topics in humanism. Monday was another test of our skills at interviewing patients and performing physical exams. On Tuesday, I learned basic suturing techniques and fiddled with some pre-surgery dexterity skills (still exploring, by no means committed yet). All week I have been singing with a cappella for a performance on Friday (such good catharsis) and enjoying the classical music blasting through the roof at the local Panera. Tomorrow I'm starting real work as a student doctor at a gastroenterology clinic - nervous and pumped at the same time.

We all have skeletons and it helps to just let loose and spill all the crap that's been piling mile-high on my chest. I find myself bottling up a lot more inside, not being able to reach out for support around me. Maybe it's the new environment, being apart from my long-time close friends, or a fear of a dog-eat-dog world. So, here we go back to the roots of what Pandaphilia is about - to get away from the nasty sides of reality and divulge in happy things. The truth is, I still grieve every day about my Mom and it hurts to hear classmates throw around jokes about death and cancer and comas and not be able to confront them even though I hint, responding with a serious "that's not funny." I feel like there's this huge barrier to sharing because how can I trust this kind of insensitivity when I'm vulnerable, when I'm sitting in lectures about cancer and what families have to go through and hear snide comments about how this is a waste of class time. It pains me to hear how much some people don't appreciate their parents. A lot of these things I am not strong enough to say directly out loud, and I know that people don't intentionally want to hurt me, but with their nonchalant attitudes and frivolity, it stings and it stings a lot. Recently, my family is going through another loss and it's difficult to even know what to think or feel. Every day I wake up and put on my brave face and go out into the world, but I hope that if you read this, you can grasp what I'm going through a little better and let me feel safer opening up to you.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

[ ... and I will try to fix you ]

- Coldplay, "Fix You"

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Pandaphilia, Doc-in-Training

Ohio State College of Medicine white coat // Thrifted Scholarshop mint blouse //

Anne Klein black pencil skirt (part of my interview suit) // Predictions for Payless/DIY Christian Louboutin red-sole black pumps //

H&M gold segmented necklace // Thrifted Melie Bianco camel faux leather satchel bag //

Island Girl Hawaii neon yellow nail polish (forgot to remove oops) //

Photography: Cassandra (with her new Canon T3i woot!), Dad

MD-To-Be. Welcome to the brand new chapter of my life! As of last Friday I moved to Columbus, Ohio to start my journey through med school. So far Orientation has been extremely tiring and exhilarating - meeting special people and new friends and faculty who come from many backgrounds with remarkable stories and personalities. It is exhausting to say your name and where you're from over and over again - it's like we already have to start memorizing material haha.

The White Coat Ceremony was Monday and this is it! This is the moment we've all worked towards for so long! I went through the whole thing not even processing what this entailed. Yes my coat needs to be shortened and taken in just about everywhere (the Dean even said "yeah ... we'll shorten those for you" as he shook my hand) but it's my passport to the hospital! We get to work with actual patients in just 2 months, making our new curriculum at Ohio State space age and relevant.

I am blessed by every kind of spiritual being that ever existed, because my Dad helped me move in and did everything basically (color me spoiled), and my dear friends from childhood and high school came to visit. I'm adjusting surprisingly well to the environment and running errands all the time. Next Monday the lectures start - wonder how that's going to turn out! Columbus is a unique city with lots of opportunity and fun places to explore. So far I've had the best Mediterranean food on this continent (imo) and late night pizza with an inappropriately named sauce (four letter word that begins with an sl and ends with t if you're curious ... it's Sriracha and ranch). There are thrift stores and little boutiques and a mall but I doubt I'll be spending much time and money there for the next four years! However, I'm doing a fair job of getting dressed well every morning and snapping a few outfit pictures in my apartment. Those posts will regularly be posted in my now regularized life schedule once I get internet next week. For now it's sitting in the library and using their wifi after hours xD

YES, I am going to keep blogging. YES, I still love pretty clothing. YES, just like Professor Oak says on Pokemon - there's a time and place for everything! Of course I won't wear mini skirts with my white coat and Daisy Dukes in clinic, but doesn't mean I can't rock floral pumps like the petite lady doc who coated me (she and I are already developing a connection over this). More than ever I need this passion to keep me going and to destress. More than ever I like to hear from you wonderful readers! And I will never lose this goofy fun-loving make-other-people-laugh nature of mine because the healthiest people in the world have a sense of humour. Laughter is the best medicine.

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Graduation: Class of 2012, You are Superman!

GOODBYE WASHU. It's been a surreal journey of 4 years, full of the highest highs and some pretty damn lows. But now we're at the end looking back with tears in our eyes and toothy smiles playing at our lips and I wouldn't change a thing. There are a few moments I will remember beyond the sweat pouring down our faces on the 85 degree plus Quad, the fake money being tossed by the business school kids (ever so clever), and all 900 of us Artsci kids having our names read out and walking across the stage. Mike Peters, the creator of comic Mother Goose and Grimm was our Commencement speaker and former graduate. Honestly, no one was very excited but when he opened his mouth and his dorky anecdotes poured out, we were in love. He told us, "Class of 2012, you are Superman!" and ripped off his graduation robe to display the vivid blue and red spandex, sweated-on Superman suit he had been hiding beneath all along. What a character.

Lien 1, I met you 4 years ago when I had pigtails in my hair and a lot of big plans and lofty expectations that were soon to be discarded for something much better. True and lasting friendship, of a kind I haven't experience before as the kid who moved too much in her short lifetime. You guys are my inspiration, my family away from home, my best friends. You believed in me when I could not and propped me up when I fell down again and again and look - WE MADE IT. Chatting late into the night in our dorms about absolutely nothing and everything, watching each other grow into "real people," reluctantly saying goodbye as our journeys spread us out across the country like nutella over bread (yes, another one of our great discoveries) ... I will not forget all the reasons that I couldn't stop bawling at Three Kings and while eating a tub of Rocky Road ice cream together. To you and all my other college friends - pleasepleaseplease keep in touch! I already miss you dearly and it's been less than a week.

I could go on and on, but never finish. For now, it's to this wonderful 2.5 months before med school (Where? The big reveal is coming up!) to relax in San Diego, learn how to surf, read to my heart's content, and much more. C'est la vie and we deserve it. (There are a million more photos that JJ's parents took but I figure I'd start off with some snapshots. Post those later!)

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I Miss You, Mom

My Mom was always very supportive of this blog and kept it bookmarked in her favourite sites. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this news with the world. Nevertheless, it's hard to capture my feelings into words.

My Mom fought multiple myeloma (a cancer of the bone marrow) for eleven years. She lived her life with so much optimism and a  big smile on her face despite having this terrible illness. She was kind to everyone: strangers, new nurses and hospital staff, people who probably didn't deserve her goodness too. On Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day we feared for so long came. The night before I got the call. Saturday morning I hopped on a plane and rushed to the hospital. She held on for 9 more hours so I could hold her hand and talk to her about anything, everything. She's been holding onto life so bravely for the past decade just for us. Then at 9:40 PM she floated up peacefully to Heaven. Just like that. My brain still can't wrap around this. It was so sudden - we still chatted and wished each other happy Chinese New Years two weeks before. But she more than deserves this peaceful rest and we are happy that she doesn't need any more chemo, medication, pain, suffering. As much as it hurts to let her go ... bittersweet.

Last week was rough and it stretched on like a year. I tried to keep this inside and not share with many people but I am so thankful for the friends that called me and patiently listened while I sobbed incoherently. Thank you guys. And if I haven't yet told in person yet, I just don't have the strength to mouth the words again and again. My Dad and brother have been so strong too and we are here for each other and even closer now. We went through the motions of starting to plan the funeral and it all came together beautifully, in the process allowing us to focus on how special and bright our Mom's life was. Looking through old photo albums was both difficult and calming. She was just 24 in these photos, and she had a rare radiance and beauty, in youth and after she became sick. The memorial service took place this past Saturday, with lots of family friends flew in from all over the country, and it meant a lot that they would come so far at short notice. My Mom touched the lives of everyone she met. If you talked with her for 5 minutes, she would change your life and you can count yourself a really lucky person. She made us strong because she was and is the best role model there can be.

This is why I've been MIA from the internet for a while. It's going to take a long time to heal and even if the world stops turning, we won't forget her. But life moves forward. I'm going to have a lot of adventures for her - go all the places she couldn't travel to because she was sick. I'm going to take care of my body and never forsake my health just to get ahead in work. Since coming back yesterday, hearing people complain around me about tests and work and not having enough time to do things they love makes me realize that the small things are not worth stressing over. A lot of things have been put into perspective and I hope that this inspires you to appreciate the time you're given instead of complaining. My Mom somehow never blamed, yelled about the pain, or tried to make us miserable with her. She did everything she could to live a normal life and to give her family happiness and spent all her remaining energy worrying about us instead of herself. She's always been an angel. I'm going to try hard to be a better person every day, to become like her and to continue doing things that make her proud. In a way, she won't be missing anything - she has the best seat in the house. 

We love you so much, Mom.

Best of 2011 | 2012 Resolutions

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While it seemed like the entire summer and most of 2011 was Year of the Colorblock for me, I discovered my personal sense of style and realize that I don't have to apologize for not wearing what everyone else is. 2011 gave me the opportunities to earn that Canon T2i that I love so dearly, and these ginorm photos.

Wonderful moments: Taiwan with JJ, met Harry Shum Jr, met Wongfu, published in Style Yourself book, covered STL Fashion Week, raising Chickee, started reading more
Finally, I can't thank my wonderful sponsors enough for all their support and generosity!

2011 was filled with all sorts of exciting ups and downs from the moment we watched the fireworks burst out of Taipei 101 and the dragon slithering up the grandiose tower to the finishing moments with family and vino in San Diego. This year saw my best semester in college, some of the most stressful periods of time, and this was the year I finally accepted who I am: human. Not invincible, not limitless, but full of dreams and passion. We're on the brink of uncertainty, the brink of possibility.

2011 witnessed the whole journey of being accepted into medical school. 2012 will witness me graduate college.

If there's anything I learned from my studies in Chinese literature/culture, it's that time is circular. I believe in balance, and where there's the good, the bad, and the ugly, there's also the worst, the best, and the beautiful. At the beginning of 2011, I realized that I don't need this blog to be happy. At the end of 2011, I realized that just because I don't need something to be happy doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. Where will 2012 take us? With so much support from my friends, family, and you readers, this blogging experience has blossomed. Even if it's time to turn over a new leaf, it doesn't mean we can't use old trees to do so.

Here's to a simplified list of my 2012 Resolutions:

1. Live, laugh, love to the fullest. "Just do what you feel," in the words of a friend.

2. Take care of my body, it's the only one I have. This means sleeping, eating, and skincaring right.

3. Constantly remember my motivations in life.

4. Be nicer to myself. That inner critic can take a vacation every once in a while.

5. The most exquisite things in the universe will never replace the people around you - remember that.

Readers - what are your 2012 New Years Resolutions?

Life Update

HEART TO HEART. Boy time flies when you're having fun and relaxing. Over Thanksgiving Break, I was reunited with my family in San Diego, explored downtown and the Gaslamp district with JJ, and tried my best to avoid Black Friday shopping (I succeeded to some degree). Racking up the accomplishments with beating Uncharted 2, making obsessive headway into Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, and having an enjoyable  Monday morning to start off the first relaxed schoolweek I've had since this semester began (remember my haiku poem about studying in the library on the first Friday of classes?). The rest of the week has been filled with catching up with old friends, making time for chores, and alas playing too much Zelda for my own good. Felt a bit of the winter blues earlier in the week, but now the stark sun has banished that.

The next few weeks are going to be a intense academic version of P90X. Finishing up this penultimate semester at university is hard to believe - honestly high school doesn't seem that far off! I'm glad for those  humbling experiences that peeled back whoever I was on the outside to show myself what's really jiggling around the inside. Without several reality checks, I would feel no older and wiser than that naive girl with the odd mix of enough pessimism and dreams to last most a lifetime. 

For every day, I am grateful for everything that happens. For every day, I cherish life. It took a long time to realize that I don't have to change everything about who I am to become who I want to be. People are forgiving, and my harshest critic is myself. So, consider the culmination of Pandaphilia not only as a style journal documenting my wardrobe adventures, but as a platform for self-discovery, for the marriage of my natural inclination for art and my intellectual interest in science. This blog has been a topic of discussion during my med school application and interviews - my own fears were the only thing holding this back from legitimacy.

Thank you, all 518 of you and more. From those of you whom I have enjoyed knowing since the beginning, from loyal commenters, to admirers-from-far and IRL friends. As an aside, Google has announced that they're canceling Google Friend Connect next year, and they recommend us creating a brand new Google+ page. I can understand why they're eliminating their less popular gadgets, since they cost money to maintain, but this is unfair to us bloggers, and especially our friends who use Wordpress. What will happen to our readership? Will the switch even be smooth? Hopefully Google has some alternative plan in mind, because this leaves millions upset. [Edit: 12:49 PM apparently this won't affect Blogspot users? Need to verify this]

This is not a goodbye speech, certainly not. It's a long reflection filled with things I've been meaning to think and say for a long time. December is here (what!?) and in the 12 days leading up to Christmas, I'm going to do a "12 Days of Fabulous" installment. Being fashionable in the bitter cold is still something to work on. Without further ado, Happy Holidays!

I got 6500 problems and MCAT ain't one

I originally wanted to show a gif of me dumping all my MCAT materials into a trashcan, but I'd need a much larger trashcan. So I estimated the number of problems in my MCAT prep books and ... that is a lot of freaking problems. But it ain't mine anymore : )

For anyone who needs a refresher on anything from limiting reagents and acid-base titrations (like me) or even simple algebra, KhanAcademy.org is absolutely amazing. I read an article about the founder, Sal Khan, in Wired magazine and became inspired at his simply homemade method to understanding the basics so you can master all the details. Trust me, a day before exam day, I wanted to do anything but read another passage and work another 6-hour practice test so I visited Khan Academy and started watching. 

The guy's really cool. Apparently Sal graduated from MIT and all that, but he's human too. He doesn't edit and you can't see his face, it's a no-pressure one-on-one learning experience that you can pause, speed up, or rewind. If you're like me, you don't like to have someone breathing down your neck as you practice a concept or don't admit that the teacher moved too quickly (and just smile and nod understandingly anyway). I'm a combination of visual and auditory learner, so this is perfect. There's everything from math, to inorganic and organic chemistry, biology, and physics and humanities too. There's even personal finance! Bonus: they give you achievements and imaginary badges (we all know this is what really sold me). 

Check it out. Sal is really making waves in a humble and fun educational manner. Now if only I had started osmotizing all of this information earlier in the summer ... Captain Hindsight to ruin the day!

Either way, peace guys. I'm am here in FLORIDA for the first time ever! This summer was absolutely nuts what with research, secondaries, the MCAT, on and on and on. I had probably too many fun moments and food for my good but it was all worth it. Now for a few days on the East Coast (beaches, Disney World, food, old friend yes please) and then back across the country to the West Coast (home, beaches, food, family yes please). Of course there's still secondaries and the semester to prepare for, but hey, one thing at a time. 

THANK YOU GUYS for sticking with me this entire time and for all your good lucks and "you can do it"s. It means so much to have you guys as my cheerleaders through this crazy time! Of course, more threads and therapy coming right up. I have soooo many outfits sitting there waiting to be edited and posted : ) A little secret: after these horrid weeks, I've a mental folder miles thick full of fashion inspiration for this fall - get excited!

Pandaphilia 2nd Blog Anniversary

As of today, Pandaphilia is two years old! I'm so happy that after many, many attempts to delete this thing, I've kept it alive and kickin'. This is my canvas for my words and my clothing. This is my home for stranded mind-wandering. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all your support and coming back day after day and urging me to never give up.

The first year was all about finding out who I was and who I wanted to be. Griping about my day could be done elsewhere in private, sharing with the world my inspirations and discoveries from each day is more apt of a purpose. Painting layers of makeup onto my face is fun, but I don't actually do that on a daily basis. I discovered that thankfully, I do get dressed every day. The second year has been all about fashion and I'm so happy to have made the switch. My closet is now a playground, my wardrobe a place to whet my colour palette, the mirror a chance to stand a little taller. 

This blog is an anthem that proudly says, "You know what world? I'm a nerd. I'm short. But I can still wear pretty clothes and enjoy it free of guilt." For so long I was so scared to share one of my biggest works of art with the people in my real life, people who would support me. I thought that the science buffs would scoff at my "frivolous hobby" and dismiss all of this work. But they didn't. I was putting thoughts into other people's heads and there are so many silent supporters too. It's not just the number under "Follow with Google Friend Connect." It's not the number of comments, the pageviews even - it's the people bumping into me on campus or Facebook, telling me that they love reading my blog. So even hardcore scientists have any artsy side. Duh, should have realized that.

Even during interviews, when I would venture to mention to professors or mentors that Pandaphilia is something that I work on and care about, they smile and become very interested. Being typical and the perfect student and even the perfect pre-med applicant is all fine and dandy, but being a fashion blogger has been worth every second. If you persist, your goals won't resist. 

Some of my favourite outfits from this year (browse all o u t f i t s here):

Last but not least, the winner of the Pandaphilia x Weldon Owen Style Yourself! Fashion Handbook giveaway is ... 

[new winner picked here]

Please email me within 48 hours with your mailing address or I will random.org another winner. Stay tuned for Alonai petite and big shoes giveaways and my 2-year blog giveaway! Thanks lovelies! (haven't said that in a while)