Thursday, October 4, 2012

Mint & Polka Dots | Heart to Heart

IMG_6914 IMG_6938 sadness in her eyes golden hour walking in the wind IMG_6915
Arden B mint knit long open cardigan // H&M polka dot blouse // H&M black shorts (old) // 
Black sweater tights (old) // Mossimo suede black ankle boots //
Forever 21 gold and silver spike bracelets // Michael Todd vampy wine red lipstain in Disco //

Photography: self, tripod and remote

MOONCAKE AND SUNBEAMS. Heyyyy dudettes and dudes! Long time no see, so let me catch you up to speed. First a few words about today's outfit: wanted to streamline from the waist down so I layered on the black pieces to maintain fall weather and class appropriate (biggest pet peeve: seeing your leggings butt uncovered and hanging out). Threw on a lightweight cardigan sweater in the fresh minty green favourite to add colour (on sale for $7 during Fashion Night Out, and polka dot blouse was free from H&M during the grand opening spree). Thanks goodness because it was hardly fall today and back to  sizzling summer temps - the whole black bottoms deal attracted heat like a magnifying glass laser beam to ants. The leaves are changing! My favourite, favourite time of year especially in the Great Lakes Region. Bit the bullet and reordered these favourite spike bracelets from F21 because I have been missing them ever since I lost them with my purse in May. So many faves - they all get a gold star.

These past 2 weeks have been intro immunology block, and long time readers will recall a familiar shiftshow I suffered through last fall, except ironically that prepares me big time for the real deal in med school. Instead of 3 months to learn everything about everything, we now do it 6x faster. From how I describe my day-to-day in blog posts and schedule my social events, it seems that med school is easy - well, that couldn't be further from the truth. Most days I am pulling my hair and itching to break the monotony, but no one wants to read about my stress when y'all have enough of your own! That's why I try not to complain too much here. On the upside, I am beginning to learn how to focus on chewable chunks, group review, and making sure I go to bed every night inspired by something that happened during the day. Last weekend I was up in Ann Arbor at a conference discussing multidisciplinary issues in Asian American healthcare. Simultaneously, it was a good chance to catch up with some old friends from WashU and it warmed my heart to throw down to Gangnam style and 90s R&B while networking and workshopping topics in humanism. Monday was another test of our skills at interviewing patients and performing physical exams. On Tuesday, I learned basic suturing techniques and fiddled with some pre-surgery dexterity skills (still exploring, by no means committed yet). All week I have been singing with a cappella for a performance on Friday (such good catharsis) and enjoying the classical music blasting through the roof at the local Panera. Tomorrow I'm starting real work as a student doctor at a gastroenterology clinic - nervous and pumped at the same time.

We all have skeletons and it helps to just let loose and spill all the crap that's been piling mile-high on my chest. I find myself bottling up a lot more inside, not being able to reach out for support around me. Maybe it's the new environment, being apart from my long-time close friends, or a fear of a dog-eat-dog world. So, here we go back to the roots of what Pandaphilia is about - to get away from the nasty sides of reality and divulge in happy things. The truth is, I still grieve every day about my Mom and it hurts to hear classmates throw around jokes about death and cancer and comas and not be able to confront them even though I hint, responding with a serious "that's not funny." I feel like there's this huge barrier to sharing because how can I trust this kind of insensitivity when I'm vulnerable, when I'm sitting in lectures about cancer and what families have to go through and hear snide comments about how this is a waste of class time. It pains me to hear how much some people don't appreciate their parents. A lot of these things I am not strong enough to say directly out loud, and I know that people don't intentionally want to hurt me, but with their nonchalant attitudes and frivolity, it stings and it stings a lot. Recently, my family is going through another loss and it's difficult to even know what to think or feel. Every day I wake up and put on my brave face and go out into the world, but I hope that if you read this, you can grasp what I'm going through a little better and let me feel safer opening up to you.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
[ ... and I will try to fix you ]
- Coldplay, "Fix You"

IMG_6943 IMG_6913 sun for a face IMG_6918 IMG_6923 IMG_6935 IMG_6939 IMG_6924 IMG_6922 snappy IMG_6921


KellyElizabeth October 4, 2012 at 8:55 PM   said...

Hey Angie!
Let me say again how much I love your blog. I think it's so cool you have the commitment and gusto to put this together & your pictures are gorgeous! (the next america's next top med student model?!) I also wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss and am here if you ever need someone to talk to. Excited to ooh, oh, ah & da with you tomorrow! <3

Angie | October 4, 2012 at 9:31 PM   said...

thanks kelly. you are a true sweetheart and i'm glad i can depend on you! i am inspired by wonderful people like you and have to keep in mind that i have more support than i think <3

ahoymichelle October 4, 2012 at 9:56 PM   said...

I am loving your polka dot blouse!


Anonymous October 4, 2012 at 10:19 PM   said...

hi angie, i've been a silent reader for awhile now and wanted to let you know i know how you feel. i lost my father during my senior year of college very suddenly from a brain aneurysm. it's been almost 10 years and i still think of him everyday, my heart aches at every moment i can not share with him and memories i will not be able to make. it's difficult to hear your friends and colleagues take their parents for granted but with time you will learn to forgive their ignorance. Our parents' passing has taught us lessons that they will never learn and we will be stronger and more compassionate people (and doctors!) in spite of it.

lisacng October 4, 2012 at 10:30 PM   said...

Hey girl! You're doing great, handling the pressures of med school, and also a recent loss in your family. I'm so sorry that your classmates make snide comments about cancers and such, as if it's a matter to be taken lightly. I'm also mad because these so-called physicians-to-be will one day be treating someone and not have the heart/sensitivity/ability to connect with their suffering patients on a human level. Oh, the medical system...You change things, ok!! You keep your head up high!

Now, onto the look. Very cute! Of course. Love the spike bracelets and the opaque tights with shorts. I need me some opaque tights so I can wear my summer dresses :). Beautiful sunset photos. I also love the ones where you mirrored them. Such a "fashion spread"!

mxvhelle October 4, 2012 at 10:55 PM   said...

Chanced upon your blog and enjoy reading it!

Angie | October 4, 2012 at 11:08 PM   said...

my heart goes out to you. no matter if it's 100 years from now we will always ache for them because though our loved ones are close in our hearts they still feel so distant. maybe your dad and my mom have met in heaven and are having great conversations. thank you for opening up and sharing - i feel less alone and am sad that we have this in common but am glad we can help support each other.

Angie | October 4, 2012 at 11:13 PM   said...

hi lisa - yes, it is a bit too much to ask of young and carefree people, but i take being a humanistic and empathic doctor someday very seriously, because fortunately many of my classmates are not coming into medicine for the same reasons as me because they are blessed to have healthy "normal" families. i hope that with each day i can get up a little stronger and be able to speak out and express my feelings and help some of these individuals become a little more sensitive for their own sakes! i am certainly not perfect, but i try to remember humanity first. the past half year has made me grow up faster than i wanted.

thanks for your support and big heart always, lisa. i am glad to have found a friend like you in my life.
(and yes, opaque tights are a winter must especially in our cold weather climates)

Karen (CFbeauty) October 5, 2012 at 12:37 AM   said...

Hey Angie, I'm sorry you have to deal with such ignorance from your colleagues. I can't imagine the pain you go through each day, but it is beautiful that you have a kind heart and you make the most out of your time and energy despite your hurting. I can't offer you much through a blog comment but you are in my thoughts.

Unknown October 5, 2012 at 1:02 AM   said...

Polka dots really suit you and you look amazing as always. I'm really sorry about your classmates and their snide, careless remarks. You are the strongest person I've ever met through blogging and whatever you do to get through this, you're always going to be above the rest :) I admire you a lot, blogging and your strength :)

Diana S.T. October 5, 2012 at 2:08 AM   said...

hello!!!! your blog is so great... please come visit my blog and if you like it let me know if you would like us to follow each other to be in contact...

Vogue Villain October 5, 2012 at 4:52 AM   said...

Thanks so much for the sweet comment!
I love that cardigan and how it hangs on you.
Great photos :)
Vogue Villain

phiphis blog October 5, 2012 at 10:03 AM   said...

love this outfit!

i'm so sorry about your colleagues, who are so insensitive. you don't need to give them details, but certainly when you say you don't find their joking funny (especially about such un-funny topics), that they would be respectful and stop at least around you. hugs to you dear, A. xox P

phiphi's blog

Kristin Robinson October 5, 2012 at 1:35 PM   said...

Hey Angie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I think Kelly has already said everything else I wanted to, so I just wanted to reiterate that if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here :)


Lulu October 5, 2012 at 3:45 PM   said...

hugs Angie!

Angie | October 5, 2012 at 9:17 PM   said...

thanks kristin <3 you two are so wonderful and i'm so lucky and blessed to have both of you in my life. i want to big bear hug!

Anonymous October 6, 2012 at 1:11 AM   said...

med school sounds crazy intense but it sounds like you're managing it well! i'm sorry your fellow students say the hurtful things they do. they certainly lack the maturity and empathy you have, which are some important attributes of good doctors! i also lost my mom to cancer about two years ago when i was a sophomore in college so i definitely feel you. stay strong, angie!

Jen_A October 6, 2012 at 12:03 PM   said...

Beautiful photos! Adorable from head to toe!

Anonymous October 6, 2012 at 12:58 PM   said...

I really love how you hair is growing out to be two-toned! I permed my hair last year and it's doing something similar :P Great look, as always! x

d a n i e l l e |

chroscenium October 7, 2012 at 4:41 AM   said...

That's one of my biggest pet peeves too!!! Loving the polkda dots. Haha, and I totally agree; it's always good to have an outlet (especially a fashion one!) to get out all your thoughts and remind yourself that you have a life beyond the things that stress you out. Good luck with school!

- Rosa

Angie J. October 7, 2012 at 10:20 AM   said...

Angie! I am so sorry for your loss! Lots of e-hugs and sending good vibes your way.
On another note, I do really love your outfit, that blouse is gorgeous, can't believe it was free?! Also Fix You is so gorgeous!
Anyway! HUGS!

x Angie

Afro Vaidosas October 8, 2012 at 2:14 PM   said...

I love polka dotssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!


Anonymous October 9, 2012 at 2:09 AM   said...

Hello Angie! Its so great to keep up with your life through this blog. I love how you bring vibrant colors to cold and grey seasons. I always support you, and look up to ur strength and perseverance. Keep your warm heart for your future patients!
Go, Angie!


Laura UP IN THE CLOUDS October 9, 2012 at 2:43 AM   said...

gorgeous!!!!!!! love this black and white outfit... it's so PANDA-like! ;) hahaha


Manuela October 10, 2012 at 11:13 AM   said...

Such a great outfit, love the blouse!


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