Tuesday, December 7, 2010

On the Last Day of Neurophysiology Lab My Professors Gave to Me ...

Inspiration.
Confidence.
Humility.

Remember when I vowed to post every day or every other day? Yeah, being a student caught up to me. I know I have no excuse when some people without fail chug out new creations every single day and my petite doctor friend PetiteXXS even posts more often than I do. Even if I don't write anything inspirational or important, it's important to keep writing. I just don't want blogging to feel like a chore. I don't want to have to do anything. This was all supposed to be fun, no pressure.

As the semester dwindles down I actually feel like this is the first weekend and week in which I've felt in control of my life. I've felt relatively efficient if not at least hardworking. I had a great interview on Saturday for Co-Chair of the community service organization I'm currently in and I got the position! I don't feel so guilty thinking about my life as "me, me, me, what are my goals, my thoughts, my feelings?" I don't feel guilty for reminding myself that I have strengths that go along with my weaknesses. I remembered what makes me powerful is ideation. I've lived in such negative light, always picking on myself and needing to be perfect in everything I do mentally that I've become a hardened pessimist. For the first time in a long time since I started college, things are falling into place because I have agency. Because I tell myself that I can. Because I "just do it." This brings me back to the first post I ever wrote in this blog. It's exhilarating to rediscover this side of myself.

I know this is a little more personal than I usually write but a lot of you appreciate and ask for more personal posts to get to know me. I sure appreciate it when I get to meet the person behind the posts. Sure it's strange thinking that I have a connection with so many people out there in the world who turn on their computers and type in my blog url. It's flattering and daunting and comforting all at once. Being personal is nothing I'm ashamed of. My real life friend and coworker asked me what do I want to do with my sense of style, with fashion? Where do I want to take this? He told me that I could make this big and that I needn't feel afraid of telling my real life friends or being shocked/embarrassed when people bump into me on campus and say, "Hey, I read your blog." I had to ponder it all because there's a reason I click on pictures and links in my dashboard. There's a reason why I pull up a new post box and type away furiously. There's a reason why I brave the cold to snap a few outfit pictures. This is my one little corner of that huge boundless interweb. This is the true me that I hide from people because I feel ashamed that a person studying in my field would judge me for frivolous interests in a serious profession. But then I remember that once upon a time, I was fearless. I had no shame. I felt no guilt. I'm not trying to turn into a robot but I'm going to stop crying because of me. I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself because in the end, no one can make me prouder or more disappointed than myself.

This one life we're given is all about taking risks. Signing up for that potentially difficult lab that forces me to get up twice a week and start collecting data at 8:30 AM. Risking a B or a B+ for the sake of knowledge, for the sake of curiosity, even if I know I can't be perfect. Swallowing my pride and the easy perfect GPA's that were so common in high school. Because this isn't high school. No one ever said it was going to be easy, and if they did, they lied. This semester, I have felt the most stressed, most miserable, sleepless, cranky, been an outright bitch to anyone within a 10 foot radius, but it was also the turning point in battle. I may not have all the smarts but I'm not going to give into a three digit number that labels my intelligence. I am artistic, I am a writer, I have all sorts of smarts that I don't even get to utilize on a daily basis. Who's to judge me because I can't derive equations as quickly or write a perfect manuscript? When I watched that cool video today on that projector screen, I realized that I don't ever, ever want to stop dreaming. I'm not done being enchanted with wanting to be a hero, I'm not done with wanting to be a doctor. I'm not done with living up to my "most likely to cure cancer" award from high school. I'm not done.

If there's anything I got right as a naive 14-year-old more concerned about finding someone to sit with during lunch than what purpose I really want to fulfill in life, it's that

I'm no quitter. 

6 comments:

Oreleona December 7, 2010 at 8:14 PM   said...

awnnn Angie!! keep on striving!! i totally understand how u feel yupp by the end of the semester i had come to realize that i need to stop comparing my self to my other premed classmates and their GPA levels, or how smart they seem...i realized that intelligence is not shown through grades but rather determination and hardwork, no matter what obstacles we face we should not quit!! because winners are never quitters!!! keep on working hard because someday you will reap the good fruit uve been sowing!! and not only in school work, even in your hobbies, like blogging :)

Elle December 7, 2010 at 10:10 PM   said...

:) Your post put the biggest smile on my face. Way to go, I commend your bravery and fearlessness. I kind of choose to remain somewhat anonymous because I sort of keep my obsession with clothes under wraps in real life and maybe one day I will find it in myself to embrace that side of myself publicly. :)

Karen December 7, 2010 at 11:37 PM   said...

Angie, I might not have met you in person but I already get a glimpse of you through this very outlet.. of blogging, fashion, and photography. I have already thought you to be a hard worker, go-getter, and definitely a dreamer. I'm also very hard on myself, giving myself so much pressure in life that I end up being a pessimist as well.. I am still learning to see the big picture outside my bubble, that I can't just focus on grades because there's so many more things out there that matter.. like studying for learning's sake and pursuing personal interests. I can say that, just like you, I do all I can for a goal.. without sacrificing the things that make me happy :)

Sakie and Thomas Gantz December 8, 2010 at 1:40 AM   said...

Thanks so much for this post. I admire you as I'm sure all your readers do. And it is great to have recaptures some of that fearlessness and confidence. Good for you!

Sydney December 8, 2010 at 4:37 PM   said...

Congrats on finishing the semester :). Have a fun and relaxing holiday now.

Rinny December 8, 2010 at 6:34 PM   said...

Congratulations on getting the co-chair position! And I agree with you, college is definitely nowhere as easy as high school was; it's actually a bit of an eye opener to freshman I think, because most high schools just don't prepare you enough for the experience. Glad to hear you got through the semester okay; at least you've got winter break to look forward to :)

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